Just after the release of my first ever external examination result, I understood the great philosophy that once my beloved mother taught me. with that relatively poor result, I realized that 'friends' will only be with you when you are on the hill, not when you are down deep in the ocean bed.
Soon after the release of my first external exam result, all my 'friends' just look down on me and some even ignored my present due to my poor performance. Those with good or acceptable result, they keep on celebrate over their triumph and totally ignored those who once their 'close friends'. Feeling down and shame over my result, I, alone sat at the corner of the class, and stopping my tears of disappointment from bursting. I felt very guilty over my playfulness and i was do not even border to prepare for that exam. Before that, i was full of confidence and felt that I had fully prepared. Eventually, the result shown the opposite was true. For the last few days of my schooling in primary, i spent lots of time to digest the great philosophy and of course to test and experience its reliability. I was walking alone at the school building that was newly built at the time, thinking over and over again why my 'friends' treat me totally different before and after the release of my result. At last, I have to admit that my mother was right on that point. Sadly, i had to face all the outcomes alone at school. Consequently, I turn my whole family members down.
On that 'big' day, when I was on the bus with my sister who is two years younger than me, i just lost of control over my emotion. When my sister keep on asking about my result, i just felt that she was teasing me in fact she was just think that my result was just unbelievable and of course unexpectedly bad and she want to confirm it. What I did was i gave her a slap on the bus in front of our friends and she just stunned there and i walked away angrily. Soon after that i regret over my action and she just forgave my.
When I reached home, I just let my tears out before my mother scold me over my poor performance. Surprisingly, my mother did not scold me which she used to be when my results are not up to standard. My dad who was away working return home just want to find out his playful son result. Of course, again i turned him down. On that day, there were lots of relatives called us, just want to know my performance after my elder sister good performance on that particular exam two years before. It is still fresh in my mind that whenever that phone rang on that day, my tears just burst out uncontrollably. My beloved parents have to answer all the call one by one while my heart being stabbed by the transparent knife each time the phone rang. My mom and my younger sister also cannot control over their tears and cried with me. I cried the hardest when i received my 'present' from my lovely elder sister and a letter which she wrote prior to the release of my result. In that letter, she told me that whatever my result is, she and our whole family members will still stay with me. Eventually this touched my broken heart and pleased it a bit. After a few days, my old friend at my previous primary school called me to asked for my result. At that time i calmed down. I wish that i will be better in the next external exam.
Before that, i was a boy full of confident on my academic as my result in the primary school was good and i had high expectation on my first ever external examination. As the saying goes, the higher the expectation, the deeper the disappointment. Commit suicide once came to my mind but my lovely elder sister who is just one year older than me keep on motivating me. My class teacher also consoled me by telling me not to give up and it was just a small and yet not important exam and i shall do better in future.
Since then, I seldom go to public places unless necessary scared of meeting relatives and friends who will ask about my poor performance. With this, i became kiasi and kiasu (fear to lose). What make thing worse is that i will not trust any of my friends easily as I will consider them as hypocrite. These has been hurting me deep in my heart until now. On the other hand, it makes me fight for everything I want and burn up my enthusiasm to be best of the best, and a head of the rest. I think i have become a perfectionist after that.
No comments:
Post a Comment